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Dec. 7th, 2008

it's been a long time since we had a big fight like last night's.. and man was it tiring or what! 

I don't know if it's me or something else, but each time, i feel that in the end after we talk through things, most things seems to be directed at me. Like, it makes me feel like i'm the one causing all these when he has no intention to do that at all.

Last night, i discover the reason why.

My bf loves me a lot, in fact, i know he loves me WAY more that i love him.. And because of that, he kept negative things to himself and pamper my feelings.. It's me who cause him to have all the schemas and it result in him trying to always protect me from sadness and sorrow..

I truly feel useless.. My bf can't even be honest to me, he can't even be himself towards me.. I really felt disappointed last night, i'm so disappointed towards myself that i just want to pull out.. However i know that things won't change by doin that. I'm just gonna be running away from the problems.

I have good memory, but actually I don't have good enough memory to form schemas towards what he does and all. Therefore it results in me always repeating things that hurt him. I'm farking useless -.-

And when i feel that i'm the happiest woman in the world to have such person loving and caring for me so much, I discover that he's actually afraid of my expectations towards him.

It's very hurtful.. I thought i have changed a lot and have taught myself not to expect what others can do for me. But it still ended up this way. I don't know what i did wrong.. Maybe I have form too many negative schemas towards him that he wouldnt want to be direct and straight forward towards me anymore.

Doesn't it suck?

I know both of us love each other and both of us complement each other in many ways! But it's funny that both of us always do something for each other without letting each other know of our intentions and it often ended up in miscommunication and misunderstandings.

It was the most hurtful night ever. I wouldn't want history to repeat itself anymore.. You taught me to be honest and straight forward, But i've robbed you away from your honesty and straight forward-ness towards me. Just like you've become more patient and somehow I have lost my patient nowadays..

Come to think of it, this must be the reason why you were telling me things that are irrelevant to our arguement last night, and me being totally confused on what you wanted to say. It was an out burst from you.

I'm not sure why this is happening, but i'm damn sure i don't want to go on this way.

It seriously hurt like hell.. We always say not to drag history into present arguement, but now afterall, we know that everything is connected to one way or another. Therefore it is essential to look back into what has happened in the past in order to find a solution to a problem that is happening in the present. We're freaking psychologists, we should know that better than anyone else. haha.. The irony of it all.

I totally felt like running away last night, i just want to put down the damn phone call and turn away. But it was you who pulled me back.

I'm sorry i kept quiet most of the times.. Reason was i feel too shameful to have my beloved feel that way about me. But best thing is i know you'll still be here no matter what shit we're going through..

So please...Don't say things you don't mean when we're argueing. Don't say things like "i'm a jerk who don't deserve you".. Because it shows how silly you are to say that when you love me so much..

You deserve me. We deserve each other and we're gonna work things out no matter how shitty it is.. Now try to get back your old honesty towards me. It sure is hard but of course we sure need time to get used to certain things. Right? So don't give up. I deserve this second chance to show you that I CAN handle your hurtful honesty. And you too, can learn to form your words and sentence nicely before it turns out to be cruel honestly.

It all can be done nicely if the words are right. Even if the words are not right, the tone gotta be right. Or maybe the situation when you tell me things gotta be right. Right?

I'm sorry i have lost my patience towards you my dear.. You know sometimes me being petient makes you very comfortable..and..I'm sorry to rob your rights to be comfortable.. Because i thought i could push you harder in doing certain things.. BUT generally i know i still suck at that..

Really sorry to have to put you through this.. Well you are the most patient man in the world who can endure this, and i salute you for that :)

what YOU think. is not always right.

I would say after what we saw, we feel only utter disappointment.

It's pretty funny when people say that it's all for you. Haha.. Well, maybe to somebody, posting something public on the internet for the whole world to see is really something "that I do for you all".

Wel, what can i say? Ain't that just great?

After the 2000 words of sarcasm i wrote, all the others did is just to stop me from publishing it. But what some people did was just publish whatever he THINKS to attack the other persons, what they did was actually ONLY to care.

You three, you did a BIG MISTAKE.

You treat people nicely, all they do is gonna come back and bite you. And some naive bystanders would still stand there and clap their hands saying "bravo bravo!"

What has the world come to?

If you don't know the whole story, just freaking SHUT THE HELL UP. But i can't blame them, some people just THINK they're so damn smart. haha.. Cheers~ smart ASS.

Some people will never learn. They won't think before they act. And they will still talk back to you loudly as if YOU were the one who's done something wrong. Alright ONE CANNOT TANGO. We thought of that. So we may have done something wrong towards certain people, BUT that "certain people" won't think that THEY may have done something wrong too! So why waste our time?

Yes! I definately have nothing better to do than to sit here and crap about all these.

But whatever, to be frank i just don't think whatever you guys wanna do is gonna worth any of your time and effort anymore. Don't be such soft hearted angels when others is just gonna break and step over your heart like that. Learn to protect yourself first.

You don't deserve it, and of course, some people doesn't deserve friends like you too.

 I hate quarrels. That's why i always choose to keep quiet. But apparently it's not the right thing to do anymore. 
Alright, it was NEVER the right thing to do. 

Maybe i had too much expectations. Therefore it leads to disappointments. And bad mood. Bad temper. Bad manners. Bad everything.

It's just a habit of mine. Having plans of the next day layed out in my head before i sleep.. But most of the time the plan can't be carried out nowadays..cos of some unforeseen circumstances. That's why everytime when the so called "plan" can't be carried out like i have imagined. then there goes the temper, the mood, the manner. Everything.

You always thought that i don't understand, you always ask me to THINK. It made me feel like a stupidass whenever you said that. I do. I totally understand and i do think. Maybe sometimes i tend to burst out and displace on others. It's a stupid act. Everybody knows that. But it couldn't be easily controlled. I don't lose temper that easily. I'm sorry.. 

I'm emotional, very, i would say. I know things can be improved. But improvement takes time. A whole lot of time since it's a part of the personality. I admit that I don't really have a great personality. But things can always be compromised. Not EVERYTHING has to be changed. 

This is what i don't understand. 

I'm not comparing. But why? Why can I take in whatever that's imperfect in you, without saying a word, with a heart that's always accepting, i never complain. But why when i did something wrong, you kept telling me how wrong it was and talk bout improvement improvements improvement!  I want to improve! But why you keep holding onto what i did wrong and don't wanna let go? And it's too much to take sometimes and it almost make me go crazy!! 

Can you understand that? 

Not everybody can be like you, you know? Just because you're good at certain things doesn't mean every other person is too! And I'm sorry because this is not gonna change me easily! Can you do it in a softer way? You know i can't take any harsh critics and you still do it. Over and over again. it really hurts.. Do u know?

I never walk away in the midst of arguement.. but i just did today. Because no words is in my head and i totally can't think. I'm sorry baby.. if you ever see this, i hope you'll understand.. And try to compromise to my mistake. 

I'll wait. When you're calm enough. I hate to say sorry.. i've said far too many sorryS in my life nowadays. i hate to explain for myself. So i'll just wait for ur call. anything.

Jun. 23rd, 2008

The day will come when the day comes. And the day has come. (what the hell -.- )
I’m not sure of what to say... Are they being unfair? Or am I being too optimistic? You people are not giving a well deserved chance. 
I want recognition, I want acknowledgement. You might not be giving me any of those now, BUT I WILL GET IT ONE DAY.
NO, I will not give up easily.
Maybe that’s when you all will know how fast you judge. And you’ll know how wrong you were. 

Tired of needing any support and recognition from you all, maybe whatever I do will just not be good enough, especially to you. I hate it, i really hate this feeling. 

Maybe it's time to think for my own rights, I will do what I do and will not regret it. I do not need anymore recognition from you. It's my future, it's my happiness. And i will fight for it. 

Thanks for pulling me down

I'll definately be stronger, with him by my side.
Walk with me dear, walk with me.

Horoscope Compatibility

I just wanna see how astrologists comment on the Cancer and Scorpio union because I remember reading from a lot of books saying that both are most compatible. 

I searched throught various web pages, and I found similar results. But I think that this horoscope thingie can onoly act as reference or guideline lar, cos every single individual is unique in their way. How can the people on Earth be generalized into only 12 categories right..? haha..

This one here is among the best of all i've found.

A very emotional and committed pairing --- Scorpio controls and Cancer toils. Ideal for the S & M set .... (-.-)"

For Cancer: You are both too possessive that can and usually does lead to problems at some time. As long as you deal with these issues promptly you can have a happy, satisfying and loving union.

For Scorpio: This is one of your best connections. The Crab is a loyal mate who is usually willing to stand behind you. Cancers are attracted to your strong, demanding ways.

Cancer makes Scorpio feel secure. This relationship has great intimacy, intensity, and depth. Great pair. Cancer is loyal which is good for Scorpio's jealous streak (really? Scorpio? Jealous? hmm..). Cancer's possessiveness will make Scorpio feel secure (Not feel being tied up?). Both are intuitive and sense what will please each other. Together they will feel safe and loved. This pairing has great intimacy, and depth. Long lasting relationship. Both are jealous but the heat in the bedroom will cool the disputes. Cancer is clinging and insecure and Scorpio offers the strength and protectiveness Cancer is looking for. In turn Cancer is loving generous, devoted---all that Scorpio wants. Perfect match. 

Cancer Woman & Scorpio Man

This is tied with Pisces as the number one soulmate match for you. A relationship with a Scorpio boy will be wonderful in every way for you. His passionate nature will draw out the sexy girl who's hiding inside your good-girl exterior. You can also trust a Scorpio boy not to have a wandering eye for other girls. Once he makes up his mind to love you, he'll stick to his decision! You also make him feel very secure because of your loving and loyal nature. This pairing can spark an intense and intimate relationship. A perfect love match. 

No doubt about it, Cancer girl and Scorpio boy will be over-the-moon for each other. The only problem that could crop up is possessiveness -- a relationship is meant to be something you have with someone else, and one party shouldn't try to 'own' or dominate the other. Get this lesson down and you've got plenty of good times ahead. 

Source on other site:
On the face of it this might seem like the ideal relationship. However, Scorpio is ruled by Mars and in romantic situations. Scorpios need to sense a little more explicit passion than Cancer likes to display. Cancer is likely to find Scorpio a little too secretive in a relationship and this can cause Cancer to retreat into a shell. Over time this can have a damaging effect on the level of communication within the relationship.

Not bad, not bad at all.

May. 7th, 2008

I'm starting to feel that I'm getting clingy now. Maybe it's holidays. Maybe it's just that I'm alone.

Yesterday was a bumpy ride for us. Well I was not happy and all. I cried. So easily and so helplessly. I don't know why. I wanted to get out. But out of his request we stayed at home, initially gonna play MJ with his mom but didn't.. 

Maybe we don't really know each other that well yet, maybe he's really cool with things and i'm really uncool with things. I used to be the cool one wei, what had happen to me? But it can't be put together, it's a different story anyway. 

Maybe I cried too easily. This may annoy him. But I don't normally cry easily in front of others. Baby I'm sorry I'm not as tough as you think. Til now I still wanna be tough in front of you, which now I know was not the right step to take. 

Yeah you were right, guys DO fall in love easier than girls. It's scientifically proven. And yeah, you gave me your best and showered me with the love from you that is so sweet and so special. But I was fickle minded at first.. and yeah I say NO and CANNOT to you most of the times, even until now. But baby, I didn't mean to hurt you or reject you. Now that I've fallen more and more in love with you, I wanna be with you as badly as how you wanna be with me. Don't let loose your hug..hold me tight. Don't let go.. 

It makes me feel so good when you tell me not to leave you easily. I know I'm really important to you when you said that, it touched my heart although I don't show it. Yeah of course I won't. We didn't get what we have easily so of course we gotta hold it tight..

Just that,maybe i'm not good in words to you. I tend to be harsh at times. I almost always dig up the past. But baby, the past can't be forgotten easily..it'll only remind us not to repeat the same mistake..so baby, bear with me okay..? 

I understand that you have your way of doing things, I have mine too. We're both a stubborn person and for sure neither you or me are gonna follow blindly what any of us said. 

But there's one thing guys must know. 女人都是口是心非的。Maybe you can pay more attention to me being my weirdo self. Effort will be appreciated no matter how small it is.. =)

We have lots more to learn.. Lots lots more... And I do hope that in the process of learning, none of us will give up half way... *hearts*

The sucky kinda feeling..

For a good few months, I was telling myself, I gotta be determined. Determined to forget bout the pass, determined to leave the guilt behind, determined to work the best out of the present that I have now..

I did it. I really did it. 

The thing is, I am able to forget bout MY past, but not HIS past. Well, his most-present past I'm saying. I'm not sure what exact reason for me to feel a little low now, I've seen her writing, and I couldn't just freaking let go the fact that she's stronger, tougher, smarter, and maybe...just maybe..better for him than I am. 

I'm sad.. 

But I know that if I keep on going with this kinda feeling in me, it's gonna jeopardize the relationship one day. So, now, I wanna be determined again. I wanna be determined to not think so much bout me and her, no no, no comparison allowed. 

I've always been one of those person who is always concerned bout what people think about me. To me, I have to carry myself well because I feel that there's always some eyes somewhere watching us. It might be God, it might be anybody. I pushed myself too hard.. and I can't help but to say that I'm conditioned to the expectations of my mom. 

I am tough. People think I am a very tough girl back then but now, I don't know. New college, new society that I'm trying to blend myself in, new people. Or maybe new experiences in life that made me couldn't be more open up like how I used to. Or maybe I was just holding to the memories too tightly that I couldn't step out of the comfort zone that people around me created. 

I'm not tough. The one person that can be really sure of this would be Rich. We were friends (or foe) for some time until we got together, until we broke up. I cried so many times with his presence and therefore he's always there, trying to protect me. Too much, maybe.

But it's okay now. We were Lamers and we'll always be Lamers. You said before, we'll always be friends that is full of love. haha.. 

Yes, she's better in everything I can say, but it's me who's with him now and I shall work the best out of it ain't I? I didn't go through it easily.. So I shall treasure. Treasure the present and work our best for the future. Maybe not so far into the future but yeah, near future definately.

If you're seeing this, M, just wanna let you know, I heart you.

A pleasant surprise!

I was alone at home and someone knocked the door outside..Well, more like shaking the door. I freaked out.
Walking slowly towards the door and trying to see thru the peeping hole and check out who it was. Nobody's there. Then i unlocked the door knob. Peep again. 

A bouquet of flower appeared!

I was delighted!!!!

It's the 3rd month as he put it. haha.. 7 of it, and i'm suppose to figure out what does it mean. Surf the net, I will. 

Bitter sweet. I love it. 

Thanks dear. 

Jan. 24th, 2008

I know i have promised you people the entry on Pack the Floor for 24, no worries, i'm working on it. Still arranging pictures and videos to be posted here..

At the meantime, my new blog in "under construction", I've got 1 post there so far, so maybe you would like to check it out: 

Nice day people~!

Back to College

Me and my band last time had a song called "back to college".. hehe.. Anyways, yea, we're all back to college, second semester has started for B.Psych at HELP. 

It's the second week now and it's basically a mess, I mean my timetable, my subjects and all.. I chose to minor in Public Relations which require me to take Intro to Mass Comm as a starting subject but apparrently i failed to sign up for that subject due to "forgetfull-ness", so padan muka la now. I don't care man i'm just gonna beg the lecturer to let me into the class!

this is basically how messy it is.

Oh ya, videos I've taken on the night of Pack the Floor for 24 will be uploaded soon, i suppose. haha.. I hope it will be another one next year, bigger, better and full of impact!

Got to go now people, sorry for the lack of update recently. blek.